|Slippery when wet!|
Str8Cam lube is the like semen in a bottle
And yes, this is the first publicly
released photo of Kidder's cock!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I've gotten gosh-darn busy lately. So many things are happening in my life right now and everything has something to do with Steve Jobs. Right! It is as strange to me as it sounds to you. I didn't even realize it myself until Jade pointed it out to me. So imagine this and follow along if possible.
In the same year Steve Jobs got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, so did my father. They both got the same surgery and in both cases it spread to their respective livers. Steve got a new liver, my father did not and died shortly there after. I didn't emote much when he died but I spent a lot of time getting to know him before he left. I was really busy with my life at the time so I'm quite surprised (and thankful) that I could make the time to spend with him as he was dying. Jade was pregnant with our daughter and I had just joined the board of the company that would eventually become the parent of everything that SexisFun.net would ever produce.
Both of these men changed the world in their respective fields. Steve's products were a lot sexier and well known, but I assure you, if you needed one of by dad's inventions, you'd appreciate it a lot more than your iPhone, iPad, and even your Macbook Pro. They were also notorious for being absolute assholes. This seems a personality trait that is nearly impossible to avoid by anyone who obsessively pursues excellence in all that they create. I was well on my way to earning that title myself in nearly half-a-dosen industries myself. Nobody calls us into a project because they need someone who's easy to work with or because we're joyful beams of sunshine in the office. We're only called in when something needs to be created and only excellence will do. We get things done even when what needs to get done is something that is impossible to do.
When Steve had finally succumb to his own DNA writing bad copies of the source code, it upset me a lot more than I would have ever expected it to bother me. Surrounded by my wife and closest friends, it was Jade who first said, "This isn't about Steve. This is about your Dad." I think it was me who first said, "What's the difference?"The similarities between my father and Steve, both in life and death weren't the end of the "everything has something to do with Steve Jobs," statement that began this post.
Shortly thereafter I began reading Steve's biography. It is one of the most inspiring roller coaster rides I've ever consumed and plan on posting my review of it soon. At the very same time I was getting to the part of the book where Steve returned to save Apple like the parodical son, I was also returning to save a company that I started back in '94, led to overwhelming success, and subsequently left to the to pursue other interests. They did well without me for a while, but just like Apple, the company lost its way, its edge, and all that had made it provide excellence in all that it did. It is attrition, and it is natural for all things that don't get influence from driving forces to keep attrition from happening.
Just last week I presented the company with the most epic Keynote presentation of my career, 111 slides that explained my promise to bring greatness, prosperity, and excellence back to the company. While my presentation was met with a thunder of applause, I wonder if that clapping will continue when they realize just what it will take to achieve what they've asked me to do. Nothing great is ever easy, and even though many of my slides made that point perfectly clear, saying it is one thing, and doing it is clearly another. They may appreciate what my return means to the bottom-line, they won't like the means that are necessary to get us there.
I miss this blog and I want to contribute more, but I'm so busy that the only way I'm ever going to get time to contribute is to hammer out something, as I am now at 1:19 AM on Monday morning. I hope it isn't complete shite as I'm too exhausted to even proof-read it.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
We have a winner! Thanks to Andie for her submission to our contest for the My Memories Digital Scrapbooking Software! She completed the mission and created a page for The Kapers made with content found on the internet. I think my favorite element has to be the bra flower holder. It reflects my love of gardening as well as my love of sexy under garments!
I have continued to play around with this software myself a bit and am discovering new ways of using it that sort of mesh with the more traditional scrap booking techniques. I have also noticed that Mymemories.com offers regular free downloads and has five pages of free kits, embellishment packs, or digitial paper packs. Another thing I learned about this software is that the downloadable elements they sell as add-ons to the original my memories suite also work with photoshop and other digital photo editing programs. This site is quite versatile!
Thanks to everyone who expressed interest in the contest. I am certain I will have more to say about this software in the future. In the meantime, I hope Andie enjoys her prize. Anything she sends me that she wants to share will be posted here. As I continue to practice and get past my technology short-comings, I will post a few more pages too!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
I think I might be the worst tooth fairy ever! This task was added to my “mom” job description about 6 years ago, and I have to say, I have had a hard time implementing those duties into my daily activities since that time. My oldest has “lost” all but two of his teeth after they fell out. The first one he swallowed, the next few fell out at school and even though he was sent home with something his teacher adorably named “the tooth taxi,” the taxi never actually arrived. By the time he actually had one to stick under his pillow, he didn’t even believe in the tooth fairy anymore. Each time he lost a tooth and then “lost” the tooth, he panicked that the tooth fairy would not come. Each time I helped him craft a letter to the tooth fair explaining what had happened, tucked him in to bed assuring him she would indeed still come, and then with the best of intentions I gathered 8 shiny quarters and waited for him to fall asleep. The first time, he would not fall asleep. I swear I was sitting on the couch considering using toothpicks in my eyes to keep them open so the tooth fairy could come and the morning would be happy and exciting. When he finally fell asleep, I was exhausted, but still awake, and managed to shove his quarters under his pillow. I completely forgot to take his note. In the morning, because he is a very bright child, he questioned the fact that there was money under his pillow, but the note he left was still there. I suggested to him that the tooth fairy new I liked to scrap-book so maybe she left the note for me. That worked. Once.
The next several times he lost a tooth, I again helped him craft his note. However, that boy does not fall asleep easily. I, on the other hand, fall asleep as soon as I sit down to watch something. In the morning, the boy would come in and wake me up (at least an hour before anyone in the house needed to be up) and insist that the tooth fairy had not come. In a panic, because I knew he was right and I was cheating him of part of the magic of childhood, I would fly out of bed and tell him he must not have looked hard enough. I would tell him to wait in my room while I made a quick excuse to keep him there for 45 seconds so I could run down to the laundry room, grab 8 shiny quarters and make sure they were well hidden in my hand. Then I would come back and get him and tell him we would go look together. We would go into his room and I would slide my fist filled with quarters under his pillow and explain to him that I was feeling around for whatever the tooth fairy might have left him. I would then drop the quarters and lift up his pillow and make the poor child believe he had just not noticed that the tooth fairy had indeed paid him a visit. Of course, because he never actually had a tooth to leave under the pillow his note would still be there and I would again explain, very excitedly, that the tooth fairy wanted me to scrap book his note. Seriously, how terrible am I at this job that in order to keep him “believing” I had to convince him he just didn’t look hard enough.
Yesterday, my daughter lost her first tooth. She didn’t swallow it, but it fell out in the car and I was sure we weren’t going to find it, so again I would be helping one of my children write a letter explaining how they misplaced their lost tooth. Luckily, we found it and when we got home we put it in a plastic bag for safe keeping. She carried it around all day and showed it to everyone we encountered, but it was still safe and made it under her pillow at bed time. In the meantime, my son also lost a tooth. His second one of the week as a matter of fact, and he pointed out to all of us as my daughter was explaining her hopes and dreams of a tooth fairy visit, that the tooth fairy had not shown up for him just three days earlier. Again, I point out that I AM THE WORST TOOTH FAIRY EVER!!!! Of course, it had been a LONG day (and a late night the night before) so it took everything I had to stay awake after I tucked both of them in so they would not be disappointed. Thankfully, it was a Saturday night, so I had three other adults to help keep me awake long enough for the tooth fairy to do her frakking job!
After I tucked the little people in, I went to my laundry jar and thanked Kidder Kaper (in my mind) for leaving quarters in his pockets when he takes off his pants. I gathered 16 shiny quarters and waited for them to fall asleep. I got my last bit of proof at how crappy I am at this part of my job when my daughter sat up after I shoved her quarters under her pillow. I quickly ducked down next to her bed and waited for her to lay back down. Ten minutes later, I was able to crawl out of her room, and feel like a perfectly adequate parent, that I had not yet ruined the magic of childhood for one of my children. Yet I cannot help but feel that she has several teeth left to lose, so I have plenty of time to fail miserably.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Something has been bothering me. It has been bothering me a lot, yet I can’t figure out why. There is a part of me that feels like I am being petty, a part of me that feels like I am being mean, and still a part of me that feels like I am having a completely reasonable reaction to the way I perceive I am being treated.
Here is how things work in our family. All four of us like to have people over. On an average Friday night, as dinner is being prepared, my children ask “Are Lorax and FKS coming over?” On a holiday weekend in the summer they wonder, who has been invited for the weekend with their children to hang out by the bonfire and where do we get to put our sleeping bags? Over Christmas break, we all look forward to the traditions of gatherings almost every night of the break to fit in celebrations with family, the tree trimming party, exchanging presents with friends, and several other get togethers we find reasons to hold at The Kaper Kompound. To be honest, it is absolutely our preference to entertain our friends and family at our house. Most of our friends know this about us and it works for them as well as it works for us.
Our close friends, many of whom spend most of their free time at our house because they know that is our preference, occasionally plan things out and about. When they do, they always invite us. They give us plenty of notice so, if necessary, we can arrange for a sitter. If a sitter isn’t necessary, they give us plenty of notice so we can tell them what dates work for us considering we are working around four schedules instead of one or two and they want to include our children. We completely appreciate that, and that consideration they give us leads to really fun times.
We are so lucky to have a close circle of friends who share our interests, our open mindedness, and our passion for living a life less ordinary. We are also lucky enough to be relatively personable, so we can meet people easily. As we spend time with them, we can quickly determine if there is potential for a close friendship or if there is nothing more than acquaintance potential. Once we make this determination, we enjoy integrating our new friendships with our existing friendships and this has led to an amazing spiderweb of friends that mix REALLY well for both a family friendly scavenger hunt for home-made treasures in the woods as well as fun times in the hot tub on nights when the kids are spending the evening with grandma and grandpa.
So this brings me to the heart of my problem. In our circle, we are often the common denominator that unites people with others they might not have met. This is a good thing! Friendship is a treasure and if we can be the catalyst that starts an amazing friendship, that makes us feel great! I could list many examples of friendships that we can ultimately claim we started by making the initial introduction. The benefit we gain from this is we are often included in these friendships in some way. One way is the new chemistry that they bring to a party we have after these new friendships have developed. They have a different kind of confidence that is notable and benefits our gatherings. Another way is that they return the favor and introduce us to new experiences we may not have had without meeting them. These are things that we LOVE! However, I have noticed a couple of negatives, and I can’t quite put my finger on why or how they make me feel bad.
I don’t think either Kidder or I have any problem with the friendship that is developed outside of us. What I have realized bothers me is when some friends make strong efforts to further develop friendships with our friends and then exclude us repeatedly. I start to feel excluded when “my” friend invites “my other friends” who I introduced them to out for the evening, yet they never invite me. I feel excluded when “my” friends invite “my other friends” to a party they are having and they don’t invite me. I feel excluded when “my other friends” invite “my” friends to an evening out and they decline until they find out more of “my other friends” are going to be there, and then they accept the invitation.
I have felt these kind of exclusions lately and they make me feel bad. They hurt my feelings and they make me wonder if these “friends” are really my friends at all. It leads me to think that to some people, I am only useful for the parties I can offer them. They are always ready to say yes when I am sending out an invitation to our party, and even become upset if they discover we’re having a party and they weren’t invited (as is often the case even with the best of intentions in the generation of Facebook). Sometimes it seems that other than getting invited to our party they don’t even consider us. While we almost always prefer to host the gathering (because it is easier for us considering the kids, the dog, and the extra space we have) I want to be invited to the fun things “my friends” are planning, at least once in a while. I don’t like to know that “my friends” go out of their way to include “my other friends” that I introduced them to, in their fun plans, but never bother to send me an invitation. Like I said, it hurts my feelings.
This has been on my mind extensively for at least the last week. I have tried to let it go, but each time I sit down to try to write a post for this blog, the only thing on my mind is this topic. I am not a fan of creating controversy, and this post feels like it is going to do just that. Because I can’t seem to let it go, I have decided it is just time to put it out there. I would love any input anyone has on this topic. Am I being petty? Am I being mean? Am I being naive in continuing to try to maintain a friendship with someone who isn’t putting any effort into maintaining a friendship with me? What do you think? Do you have any advice for me? How would you handle this situation? I can’t wait to hear....
Monday, October 3, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Today I had my post-surgical follow up after my Essure procedure, so I thought I would tell you about it while it was still fresh in my mind. Typically, Essure is an in office procedure, but my doctor recommended I have the procedure in the outpatient surgery center. She has been a little skittish about my uterus since I had a seizure during labor with my first child, so I can understand her need to take precautions. Besides, I really had no interest in being “aware” while she was tugging, pushing, and feeding the scope up through my vagina into my tipped uterus on her way to my fallopian tubes.
When I saw her today, she told me that she was very glad she made the decision to put me out while she worked. She explained that the scope does not bend and that she worked up a bit of a sweat moving me around to get the scope up into my fallopian tubes. I can’t say I am sorry I missed that at all. To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember anything after being wheeled in to the surgery room, until they were waking me up telling me I was finished. I believe my completely appropriate comment when that happened was “I don’t feel like anyone was digging around in my private parts!” Comments like that are apparently not quite as amusing to vanilla people as they are to people like me. Oh well...
After the procedure, I hung out in the recovery center for a little while and then was released into the care of my lovely husband to be taken home with instructions to relax for at least a day and not to do any lifting for a few days. I really did not have any discomfort that day or any day after. I didn’t even need to take ibuprofen. The most uncomfortable side effect was the dehydration that plagued me for the weekend, which I assume is related to the medication they used to knock me out. I had a little bit of spotting for a couple of days and that was it. All I have left to do now is a three month post-surgical follow up to confirm the implant is working. I am so glad I had this procedure! I realized as I was driving home that I saw a few pregnant women in the office and the only feeling I had was relief that I will never wear maternity clothes again!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
I woke up later than Jade and the kids but was the first one ready and waiting in the car. A good attitudes means you aren't dragging your feet or procrastinating, so I was sure to be moving with a bounce in my step from the first step. After a quick stop in the office, we parked and caught the bus to the Minnesota State Fair Grounds. My son sat next to me asking questions about the rides and foods and toys he'd be allowed today. I whispered in his ear, "If your attitude is great and you are nice to your little sister, there's little I'll say no to today." A giant grin appeared on his face and he immediately began talking to his sister as though he was the best big brother in the world. Jade gave me a wink, letting me know she'd heard that conversation.
We exited the bus and skipped past the scalpers selling "discounted passes" and paid the $46 to get us all inside those rusted gates that stood between us and deep-fried Twinkie's, cheese curds, and mini doughnuts . Deciding we were all hungry we mutually decided we should find the nearest corn-dog stand gather some lipids to prime our systems for the digestive onslaught that awaited us over then next several hours. As easy as you would think that would have been we found that not all stands advertising "THE BEST PRONTO PUPS AT THE FAIR!!!" actually even sell corn dogs. So we stumbled around haphazardly following our noses toward scents that matched what we ventured to find.
This journey led us through one of many shopping pavilions that sold talking toilet seats that shouted insults when sat upon and glue-on nail decorations for kids so that now your daughter can also look like a courtesan of patrons with limited resources. But then we saw it, and my son and I stood motionless as it buzzed dangerously close over our heads. It was a remotely controlled toy helicopter and he and I looked at each other knowing, without speaking, that we needed to own one of these amazing flying toys.
He and I ditched the wife and daughter and went searching for the source of the amazing hovering contraption. There we talked to the cute salesgirl who know a heck of a lot more about R/C hobbies than anyone would have expected. Geekyness is now sexy and there is no denying it. Once she showed us the über expensive version with built-in HD camera there was no backing out of this purchase. She even threw in a smaller one so we could practice crashing before taking the big one into the sky. After swiping my card she glued our names to the boxes and put them into safe keeping while we enjoyed our day at the Fair.
Using my iPhone I relocated the other half of my family and went on our merry way. We ate some alligator, which I’m sure was about 10% gator and 90% lips and assholes of other, more common, farm animals. We got a bucket of, “The Worlds Best French Fries,” that were, I must admit, pretty darn tasty. We found a stand selling corn dogs and having not had one in several years, was surprised at how delicious the were. Jade got a Gyro that tasted like a standard Gyro to me but she swears is better at the fair than anywhere else.
I talked to Al Franken for a bit about sex education programs being pulled from Minnesota health classes. He responded by saying, “I don’t like that most schools are getting rid of HEALTH CLASSES completely.” He then joked under his breath, “Seriously, those middle school kids have got to learn about deodorant.” I like him, he’s one of the few politicians I know that actually responds to A LOT of his own mail and remembers many of my letters to him. Whether or not you like his politics, you cannot deny, he’s a good dude.
As we toured an old circus train that made frequent visits to Minnesota I caught myself having a really great time. My kids were asking us tons of questions about the fair, the historical relics, and life in general. We were all getting along great, the kids were well behaved and I think I kinda understand what this whole experience is all about. It is about having an experience together, with people we care about, alongside the rest of the community.
We found a soda stand that sold some seriously crazy-ass flavors and we each tried a different kind, sharing sips from each other’s bottle as we walked. My son and daughter bounced a few steps ahead of us as we headed toward the midway. Jade reached her hand around my back and pulled me close with a smile as we walked in tandem. I felt a warmth in my chest, and hoped it wasn’t a cholesterol deposit dislodged from taking down one of the many deep-fried wonders of the day.
I realized that the fair is like anything else in life, if you go into it with a great attitude, you’ll probably enjoy yourself. I chose to be GGG and what I got in return was enjoyment. What I gave to my family was a dad who made the day fun. These are the memories that we’ll hold on to when time causes my children to grow up. These moments of unbridled sugar-laden, deep-fried hedonism are worth the pain and expense of my first angiogram.
We caught up to the kids and walked with them, all four of us holding hands. I took the kids on the Scrambler and a few other rides that made us all laugh and scream. On our way back to the entrance of the fairgrounds my son reminded me that we needed to pick up our helicopters and pointed to a giant crowed massing in front of the doors of the shopping pavilion. He said with a straight face, “That is not the place to be during a zombie apocalypse.” I laughed and said, “No son. It is not.”
Bravely, we moved through the hoard, claimed our choppers and met Jade and the girl at the exit. Arm and arm we left, went home and had discovered the kids fast asleep by the time we pulled into the driveway. If there was ever a sign of a great day, carrying kids to bed must be of the neon-flashing variety.
Aussiexile had the most brilliant suggestion for our contest to give away the scrap-booking software from Mymemories.com. The suggestion is to create a scrap-book page of Kidder and me using only publicly available information. So there it is! Email me a pdf of what you create at email@example.com
Contest contestants must submit by October 10th, 2011. The winner will be selected and given their prize on October 27th, 2011.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Daily Squib: Semen Proven to Increase Life Expectancy Semen Proven to Increase Life Expectancy ================================================================================ Eileen Dover on 12/05/2007 07:37:00
WASHINGTON DC - USA - Women who make regular contact with semen live longer and age less than women who do not, scientists have discovered.
The finding that women who swallow semen and do not use condoms during vaginal sex, live longer and have reduced signs of ageing, has led one researcher to conclude that semen is a miracle potion that should be treasured by every woman. Male sperm contains vital chemicals that slow down the ageing process and increases life expectancy by up to 35%.
Study author Clifford J. Ponsonby, Ph.D, a psychologist at the State University of Washington in Saint Louis, also found that women who routinely had intercourse without condoms or had facials had better skin quality and wrinkled less plus also had the ability to ingest fatty foods without putting on weight.
Ponsonby's survey of 753 college women and eastern European prostitute's over a 45 year period, also found that those who ingested semen regularly either orally or through vaginal intercourse had a better over all quality of life and would be wealthier in jobs/life.
"These women have a remarkable ability to achieve serious longevity without showing any signs of ageing, this is the key to life," says Ponsonby.
Semen contains powerful hormones including testosterone, oestrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins. Once these chemicals are absorbed through the vaginal walls they inhibit weight gain and slow down the ageing process. Women who ingested semen orally were also found to increase their ability to succeed in jobs and wealth as well as brain power and have beautiful ageless glowing skin. Ponsonby controlled for variables including method of semen extraction, frequency of sexual intercourse, as well as the women's perception of their relationship."If you are a woman and wish to increase your life expectancy and overall health plus reduce any signs of ageing you must utilize the magical properties of semen," the groundbreaking study concludes. Ponsonby says he has seriously enjoyed working with all his female subjects in the study and would like to replicate the study but this time with 5000 women.The longer that women went without ingesting semen the more accelerated the ageing process was found to be. Furthermore, there was an immense risk of obesity and heart disease by abstaining from semen as well as increased depression.Ponsonby's study, which he deems "the first serious attempt to investigate the effect of semen chemistry on women," has underlined his fascinating findings in the research treatise Why Women Need More Semen .